Tears, A Long Time Coming

I finally figured out my funk. I haven't been feeling like myself in the last month.  Something has been missing.  I know what is missing.  The fact that for the rest of my life I will never be able to speak with my old friend, Bob.  But, in the past month I had not cried for my loss.  The news came from out of town and I was removed from the situation.  And so, it never really sank in. Yet, it all hit me the other night.

 

I was cleaning out my old travel briefcase.  The one I use for itineraries, maps and brochures.  It used to be my 'go to' journal for travel.  I would jot down notes and collect things from my various trips.  Last night I was preparing for a trip, getting itineraries, contact information, maps and addresses to take. 

I was cleaning the detritus of older trips, souveniers and just general keepsakes.  I came across one piece of paper that reminded me of Bob. It was an old comic strip clipping from March, 1996.  Crankshaft by Batiuk and Ayers.  One of Crankshafts' friends, Mr. Meckler, was talking to a younger friend, family member or aquaintence about why he, Mr. Meckler, never made it big as a musician. Mr. Meckler told the youngster "But success isn't what gives life its meaning...The zest is in the rattle of the dice in the cup."  

At that point I just started sobbing. My wife sat there wondering what the problem was.  It broke my heart.  But I remembered how important it was.  I remembered Bob's “Joie de la vie”. 

Bob taught me a dice game in 1980.  I don’t remember the exact date, because, the truth is, we were probably drunk.  The game is called Farkle.  Some people compare it to Bunco.   But it is played with six dice and the player can keep going or stop, depending on their “gutsiness”.  One of the phrases we used to say was “No guts, no glory”.  This was repeated over and over during our games.

At any rate, I had a good cry last Thursday evening.  But I had an overwhelming feeling that Bob was with me at that moment.  I truly did.  I am no longer worried about Bob.  I think he is alright.  I regret the loss of my old friend.  But he was an amazing person.  He had a great sense of humor and a great laugh.  I will never forget that.  Thank you Bob for your friendship and for all the memories.