Finding My Muse, Again

On January 7, 2021 I retired from my career.  I had plans to settle into the life of a reclusive, lonely poet, and maybe start writing that novel and some assorted stories that have been haunting me for many years.  So, I cleaned up my office, created a workspace. 

And…nothing.  Some words hit the page but they were, so, bland. 

Three months into this I was ready to give it up.  Maybe the dream of being a writer was enough to keep me alive for all these years.  Maybe tomorrow…?  Maybe next week…? Maybe next year…? Maybe when I retire.  But what then? 

Retirement has been great.  Pensions, and other assorted income makes for a stress free lifestyle.  With the pandemic and quarantines all I really have is time.  Time to write.   

 And…nothing.  Why?  I used to write a lot.  I used to have these words.   But for the last three months nothing really came forward. 

I should state that I write from deep down in my soul. Hypnagogic, I believe they call it.  It usually manifests itself right when my subconscious is about to take over when I am falling asleep. I drag myself out of bed and to the desk.  And I write.  But not lately.  I really don't understand why.  

I have been rather pensive and have been looking back over my long working career.  50 years of work.  I was smart.  I worked hard.  I accomplished things.  I made money, paid taxes, raised a family, created a pension for my later years.  But what bothers me?  I cannot help but look at all the mistakes I made in the 50 years when I was employed. Why?  I was successful, mostly.  I was gainfully employed most of my adult life.  It brought me to where I am today - a pensioner. 

But looking back I only see the mistakes I made.  Is that nature's way of telling me to take control of my decisions; take control of my life.  Don't make the same mistakes.  Be good.  Do well.  Make the correct choices. I just have a hard time following the signposts in life.  

 Maybe I should rename this blog.  Call it the procrastinator's diary or something.  I will think about it and maybe do something next week.  Stay tuned.  

 

DN.